à I
agree with the advice. My original title is ‘‘swallow soup or swallow sodium’’,
and the second swallow is actually redundant.
And
I endeavored to delete those redundant words to make my news more clear to be
read.
2. The
first paragraph is too sudden for the whole news.
à I
cannot agree with this advise more. I should talk about my theme first instead
of giving out a vague and terrifying sentence about diseases due to lavish
sodium intake to scare readers even when they have no ideas about what I really
want to talk about.
Consequently,
I moved this sentence after I stated the fact about oden in convenience store.
3. Revise
the original conclusion!
à
I agree with the advice. < The original one>‘‘ It is everyone’s duty to take care of individual
health and also other’s when working in service industry.”
The original one talks about the duty to care about consumers health when
working in service industry. But it totally went too far from my main point,
that is, think carefully before eating oden. Consequently, I must come up with
a new conclusion to be closer to my main point.
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